Wednesday, July 10, 2013

I Hate You...Because You Still Matter To Me

My dear friend, 

I hope you are fine. And, even though I am the one who have decided not to see your face ever again and haven't even talked to you on the phone since the last time which was more than a year from now, I still want you to know that I miss you. I wish you were here, despite the fact that I'll never allow that to happen. 

I am glad that the last time when I left your house even though I was in tears, I managed to smile and tell you, "its okay". But, I am also gravely sad, because you failed to understand I was lying. Right there, I knew I will never return. Actually, may be you did realize it too that I was leaving forever and yet had let me go. Nevertheless, the dilemma remains- I miss you. 

And, yes, at the beginning I said 'friend' because even though you were and still are so much more than that to me, it's just I have yet not found the perfect word to describe you. Well, sure, we were friends, but you were different. In fact, now that I think and look back, I see you were always more than a friend
to me. You were that person to whom I for the first time in my life I learned to calm down, rather than my Mom and Dad. Like my other friends I did never go crazy with you, but beside you I sat...and learned the world. I sat beside you and felt absolutely weightless. I sat beside you and dreamt endless. True, I was always a mess, but with you beside me I freely scattered, because I had you to gather me preciously and take home.

With you, I grooved…I was fearless more than ever. You were the person I believed who will remain. 

Back there, I was clumsy, spoiled, loud and brave, but yet you held my hand. You hugged me even though you knew I was too scared to hug back. Just like my Mom. You saw right through me, the real me. The person who has been loved way to much from her childhood, whose family and parents had loved her in such a way and granted her such freedom that sure she became the confident, stubborn, brave kid who was never afraid to fight and question the authorities, but inside very secretly who also was scared; very frightened that one day her family will not remain and the great love all in her surround will be vanished.

Yes, I was scared that the people I love will be gone from this world one day and I will not be able to endure the pain. The fear made me tentative, messed up and emotional. I tried desperate to find things that will remain and last forever. Well, I heard true friendship lasts forever. Strangely, I was scared to be alone, yet I was scared to hold people near, thinking that one day I will have to let them go. I was being unbelievable, childish and
illogical. My mum hugged me everyday, my family kept telling "love you", but I never did anything to return any of those affections, because I was too scared. I tried appearing unemotional, told myself I am too tough to care. And those feelings were affecting me even in terms of my relationships with my friends. However, I never admitted my fear back then, though I hated lies more than anything. 

But still you managed see the true me, how I was being friends with people with whom I had almost nothing in common. How I was troublesome yet very emotional, seeking something true. I was so messed that I didn't even trust you in the beginning, then something happened however, you gained my trust…and that was it. I
was with you 24/7, after the classes we used to sit for hours and talk about what I couldn't even track. Well, mostly I talked and you just listened though. Its funny how you used to say in your gloomy world I was the only thing to make your day and you will be there to hold me always… 

So, I miss you, I miss you smiling on my stupid deeds. I miss you trying to be tough yet giving it away to me. I miss you scolding me for whining too much, then again getting pissed because I had stopped whining according to your words. I really miss you holding me, keeping me together. I miss having lunches with you. I, too, really miss lying on your bed and you scratching my hair. I even miss crying sitting in front of you. And, yes, I miss you kissing me. 

Its just....I loved you. You were my friend, my shelter, and someone whom I once deeply loved and respecte, but now hate. It is impossible for me to continue to love you. But you are too important to be not present in one of my most passionate feelings. And, sadly, rather than 'hate' , I know no other passionate and gallant feeling that can dare compete to 'love' ; the most profound of all feelings. 

Misses you-
[Name signed but left out by Editor]

No comments: