When i meet someone new, someone special I am afraid to get close or open up. I recently met someone that seems like a really nice guy overall and I don't know how I should react to him. I don't want to get close to someone and then my past comes creeping up on me like every other time i tried letting go of it. I really like this guy so if nothing else I would love to remain his friend.
Friday, July 31, 2009
When I Meet Someone Special
Still...
Dear rachit,
i dnt kno wat to say to u whenvr i talk to u..we hace been thru many misunderstandings...Ist when u had a crush on me n i didnt..den those irritating chats..den we fell in luv wid each other..dan i had to break up wid u..n bla bla...i always told ya dat i nvr thought u as a frnd or even more dan dat
bt d truth is dat when mrinal told me abt u..i liked u a lot..may b it was a crush at Ist site..bt nvr told u abt dis..though nw m over u n stopped w8in fr u....BUT I NEVER FEEL LYK NT IN LUV WID U EVR...MAY B STILL W8IN FR U IN EVRY MOMENT
LUV U N MISS U LIKE HELL......MMMMUUUAAAHHH
I Hate My Life
Did you ever wanna just wake up in the hospital and hear the doctor say shes not gonna make it. i have i dont wanna make it its not worth living and it will never start. well i may soound emtional but u hav no idea what i hav gone through. my mom giving me up for adoption. not only for the fact she didnt want me but cause she could not afford me cause she spent all her money on drinking when i was inside of her. i was 18in and 2 1/2 pounds and i stand at 4'9 and 73 pounds and now i hav alot of eating problem such as i cant gain weight and i hav to b really carfull casue i can lose weight in masses and not b able to gain in back. thank you mother.no worries she is dead now she died of overdosing on drinks.and this is her 5th year annerversry of death. now i live with a family that i get hit. and most of the time i will sleep outside on the lawn chairs and then if i get lucky i can sleep inside on a egg chair cussion on the ground in the guest room i dont have my own room. yea now you see what i do through. dont jugde or u will hav problems.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
To K
Keith
I miss you.I know you knew something was between us and I know you felt I liked you. I knew you were married, but I couldn't help myself falling for you.
I miss you
I know I'll probably never see you again
Love
BB
Hi Mohammed
I am sorry for all what i am,cause all "what i am " is bieng a good friend...
you'll never know that feeling you get when you love someone purely...as a friend..
you'll never know what does it mean to have me in your life..
you'll never be good enough for me,cause you're a complete lie..
if you want to walk away..don't take alook back!
if you want to be smart ass see who you're talking to..
You Will Never Know
Dear Adam,
I had told you before i had a letter you would never see well here it is. its been a few months since we are threw, all i can think about is when you told me about wendy. Your best friend from high school, you one and only true love. It hurts to know you dont appreciate what we had. all the memories and gifts we shared. all teh friends we made disapeared into nothing. All i have left is tears, sadness and emptiness... but threw all of this you made me realise one thing... life goes on, and thats exactly what im doing but only its without you.
Monday, July 27, 2009
We Met For A Reason
As crazy as it sounds we came into each others life for a reason, I love that I met you and we had the experience of each other. You always left me on cloud nine being with you was so amazing for me because this came so unexspectedly and I fell for you. We both have our things to deal with but I felt so good with you that us meeting was meant to be for one reason or another evenif not to be together to learn from each other. I wish that you would give us a try one day. Right know being so vulnerable with my emotions I still think of you everyday and miss being with you.
To My Exes R & J
Iknow what I did was very hurtfull to you being engaged not once but twice and both times It failed, I can't put all the blame on both relationships it was part me also I was so distracted with the things going on in my personnel life that I never gave neither relationship a second chance and I know I hurt each of you deeply I never meant to do that i'm not that evil I need to work on my self also. Now that you are both married I wish you the best and forgive me for the pain I left you with it wasn't intentional. Each relationship I was dealing with something that took alot of my attention and I hated the pettiness when my life had bigger issues infront of me.
Sorry for the pain I caused..
Do It All Over Again
I wish we could go back in time and do it all over again.
I wish that you never felt like you couldn't tell me about your past. What did I ever do you to you to make you feel that way? I loved you.
For a year and a half when you were gone in Alaska, all I did was dream of the day you would come back to me. I would cry on my way to work. I would cry while I was AT work. I would think of you when my "new boyfriend" was with me and wish it was you. After me and him made love......I would roll over on my side and wonder why you left. When you would email me, my heart would beat in my face.
Why did you stay gone so long. You didn't even look like yourself when you got back.....I hate myself for not being able to love you now.
Friday, July 24, 2009
A Face in a Crowd I Know
I know I am a small face in a crowd...
a crowd of people more significant with issues far outweighing mine...
thing is - i was assaulted today...
i am bruised, scratched and my earring was ripped out of my ear
my body aches, i have been sick all day...my heart aches...my soul aches more
There is no one I can tell, no where to go, i am terrified by my own reality
I am trapped...trapped by my own life choices
I expressed myself, my frustrations and need for support in my life. I chose the wrong person to share this with...i chose my partner
I was assaulted by my partner today... I would like to leave this life, find some peace... calm...a safe space
I don't know if there is a safe space in this life for me... This has not been my personal truth
Hope
I'm scared from so many things,,
i have the hope 2 spend the life with the most precious person..
Letter To You
Its not fair to say that you weren't thinking. you were thinking a lot about things that didn't really matter. now, thanks to you, im messed up, and i dont think that you really understand how much. its just this deep, sickening feeling that feels like everything has been sucked out. you know what? its probably useless trying to explain this to you; its not like you listen anyway. if i could, i would tell you about how lost, unsafe, and depressed i feel all the time, like something is missing. and guess what? you're the one that took it.
God, it was all there! everything that i had ever wanted was there, and you made it go away. if there's one thing that i wish i could do like you, its the ability to just put things to an end. if i could do what you did, i would put an end to all of this. but you know what? i can't. you taught me that. actually, you continue to reinforce it every day. i suppose that im a good learner by now.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Hurting
Dear Steven,
I wish we could be friends again. You've hurt me and you won't stop lying about me --but I wish things could go back to the way it was before our first date when we had fun together and I could confide in you. I don't know why you are continuing to hurt me, but I feel so pathetic and rubbish because you want to, even though I was only ever nice to you. There must be something wrong with me then.. :(
Remember you said you're always there for me if I need to talk to you? Well I wanna tell you about the time I lost a good friend...I hope you can help me out...
I'm No More
Rachit...
though you no longer love me,but i still do...everytime i think of you,a scene of our kisses and hugs come in front of my eyes...though you will never know about this letter but..what matters to me is the care you show,forget about the feeling that you will never know
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I Forgave But I Cant Forget
Dear Sweetheart,
It's so funny because we are both online now, I couldve have just send this to you but nevermind, I know you - you will not read this anyway or if you read, you will not reply not a single word.
First I thank God for bringing you into my life, I could never ask for more for I have seen what Im looking for in you. We were so full of love and passion with each other til one day we had this terrible situation in our relationship. I have accepted you as who you are, I have loved you not only your strengths but also your weaknesses. I have love you not only your success but also your failures. I have loved you not just because we have dreams for our future but I hav loved your pasts as well.
I have been hurt many times in this relationship but look where I am now, I still keep on holding on and trying to believe that with God's help we will overcome this battle.
Yes, despite of what happened I have learned to forgive I am trying but I could not help myself to forget completely. You know that I am here for you because I love you although at times it seems like youre doing something else at my back. I try not to judge you or "accuse" you Im sorry, but can you blame me for that?
Sometimes Its so hard to believe you but because I know you love me and I love you too, I manage to ignore those negative thoughts.Somehow I want to give this relationship a chance. Its so painful to see and know that I cannot have you (for now), cause I know that you have so many things to take care of. Yes you know that Im willing to wait, and I know you know how much Ive proven that to you. I try not to discourage myself cause like you, I have also plans for us, that someday we will be together and live our lives together full of happiness, with our own kids and just taking care of each other.
You know my concern for a long time now, I have so many questions battling on my mind. Yes, what if were together in the future, can we still be happy just like we were before? You already know what Im trying to say, all I want in this relationship is just you and me and no other people involved. I love you babe but my trust for you is not made complete anymore. I have given you my full trust from the start but you didnt take care of it.
I need you, youre the only one I ever wanted in my life. I still hope and pray that you will still fulfill your dreams for us. Im sure you know how much you mean to me. I almost give up many times but everytime I think of you, I hold back alot. Babe im sorry for not complety trusting you I hope you understand, I am just so scared for our future. I wish you were here with me I feel so safe when we are in each other's arms. I will wait but I cannot promise you now forever. Now baby, it's not up to me anymore if you want me in your life but you will find a way to put me there. Ive given so many things for you and for this relationship, now I need you to do your part. I need you to help me.
I deeply deeply love you, _ _ _
Breaking Your Heart
Dearest Kenneth,
Your tears are like acid to my soul, eating away at what little strength I’ve managed to muster up. For five hundred and forty five days I gave you my everything, my all. On day five hundred and forty six I let everything I worked for slip away, I let you go, the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life. My selfishness began to surface. I wanted more and I took it… from some one else.
I will never be able to love him like I loved you. The connection we shared was amazing; making love to you could not be described by any jumble of letters provided by the world’s largest dictionary. However, he gives me the world that you never could. My trust in him is greater than any trust I’ve ever had in you. Maybe over time I will learn to love him like I loved you, but right now you plague my mind, you consume my thoughts.
Your quivering voice sent chills down my spine when I slid the receiver to my face, I almost could feel your warmth. I wanted nothing more than to take you back when you began to beg. You begging, something I would have given anything to have before, now I pray for you to stop, its weakening my soul and tearing me apart.
It’s too little, it’s too late. His ring rests so gently on my finger now, something you could never afford or could have ever offered me. I reside in the home he provided me for me, a beautiful home, and one you could never have even imagined sharing with me. Inside my womb I carry a life, a life him and I created together. I couldn’t bare to tell you, I couldn’t bare to let you know that you failed as a father, you could never provide that life you so craved. I don’t want to tell you that you may never father a child; I don’t think you are capable of creating life.
Hurting you, I couldn’t fathom, even after all the many moments I cried for you. All the times you made empty promises to me. I know you are hurting, I am too. I know you miss me, I miss you too. I know you love me, I love you too.
When it comes to “us” I told you to never say never, but I’m sorry, it’s forever.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
How Far Will I Let Myself Go?
We started out as friends, and I had no intention of letting you get into me as much as you have....There are too many miles between us, I told myself. I just enjoyed your company. I started to look forward to having you with me...looking to see if you were there, waiting and truly smiling when you came. Then, when I had the worst week of my life, it was you that sat up and talked with me for hours...letting me cry, calmed me and gave me hope. That was it...that was when I let you in.
I don't know for sure how deeply you feel for me. You send me poems and write words of passion to me that have such an impact on me. I am scared though, that if I let myself fall all the way for you, that you will suddenly realize I'm not worth it. That there are too many obsticles to overcome to allow yourself to love me the way I want so badly to be loved by you. My thoughts through my day though, always drift to you...I think about your eyes, and how beautiful and intense they are when they look at me, or your lips and how I can't wait for them to kiss me, or to feel your arms around me, holding me safe. You have built up a passion in me that I am afraid to let out. What am I going to do??
When Do I End Up Successful?
I will never say this to your face. I will never write your name on this page. I will never email this, or print this out and give it to you. And do not tell me not to say never because it is the truth.
Why do you get so mad? I guess I will never know. You scared me too much. I can barely ask you anything. The truth is I am not perfect as I bet you think I am. I will probably never be a world champion... or a provincial champion for that fact. I do not care that I just said never because it is a one in a million chance that I have the ability do dance well enough to win considering the other girls in Premier. Do not freaking overestimate me! I practice a lot. Too much to have you yelling at me like that. I can understand if you were having a bad day, or if you were dealing with stress yesterday, but you are a dance teacher! You should know emotional abuse when you see it. I went home yesterday night drowning in the tears I was holding in. I went to youth and could not focus because I was thinking about what had happened.
To this minute, I still hear you yelling like that in my head. I can remember exactly what you said. I can still feel my eyes misting up. Maybe that is because I still feel the pain. Maybe it is because it hurts me to remember. Maybe it is because the feelings are still there. What feelings, you ask? I went home last night feeling like a complete failure, feeling stupid, like I was worthless because what I was doing last year I have not been concentrating on as much this year. I bet you do not understand. I bet you were like Leah and Shayla when you were competing. You told us you were doing split high cuts when you were eight. Back then, I bet you caught right on to your new dances. Well, right now, I am not only suffering to get my regular steps, but also learning new ones. I cried myself to sleep because you never point out the good things, only the bad.
You are never pleased with my dancing for more than a few seconds. Then you go negative. I am not perfect. If you think that I am perfect, you are wrong. If you expect me to be perfect, your expectations are too high. If I need to be perfect, I am doing a heck of a bad job at it. It is your fault there are teardrops forming a puddle on my keyboard. And I will never have the strength to say so.
-Maegan
Monday, July 20, 2009
I Will Wait For You..........
We only know each other only 3 days and 10 mins......
We are apart of the world now.
You are not sure about your future..
You don't know when u will be back home....
You get really hurt before,you don't trust no one anymore..
You have fears to invest...
you are not ready for this........
I know we don't know each other well enough
I understand what you worry and how you feel.....
I don't care when you will be back....
I don't need your investment......
I don't need your committment now.....
I believe time will tell everything........
You keep telling me not wasting my time to wait for you...
You keep telling me I can desever better....
You can't stop me...
You can't change my mind...
I am willing to wait for u because I know it worth.....
I just follow my heart cuz it tell me, I like you.........
It Is Love
u say it aint love but i no it is love at my age..im sorry but cant take the pain anymore..its weakened me as much as i love u..im sorry.i have lost my fight..but ill always love u..xxxx
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Into My Life
Dear Sweetheart,
It's so funny because we are both online now, I couldve have just send this to you but nevermind, I know you - you will not read this anyway or if you read, you will not reply not a single word.
First I thank God for bringing you into my life, I could never ask for more for I have seen what Im looking for in you. We were so full of love and passion with each other til one day we had this terrible situation in our relationship. I have accepted you as who you are, I have loved you not only your strengths but also your weaknesses. I have love you not only your success but also your failures. I have loved you not just because we have dreams for our future but I hav loved your pasts as well.
I have been hurt many times in this relationship but look where I am now, I still keep on holding on and trying to believe that with God's help we will overcome this battle.
Yes, despite of what happened I have learned to forgive I am trying but I could not help myself to forget completely. You know that I am here for you because I love you although at times it seems like youre doing something else at my back. I try not to judge you or "accuse" you Im sorry, but can you blame me for that?
Sometimes Its so hard to believe you but because I know you love me and I love you too, I manage to ignore those negative thoughts.Somehow I want to give this relationship a chance. Its so painful to see and know that I cannot have you (for now), cause I know that you have so many things to take care of. Yes you know that Im willing to wait, and I know you know how much Ive proven that to you. I try not to discourage myself cause like you, I have also plans for us, that someday we will be together and live our lives together full of happiness, with our own kids and just taking care of each other.
You know my concern for a long time now, I have so many questions battling on my mind. Yes, what if were together in the future, can we still be happy just like we were before? You already know what Im trying to say, all I want in this relationship is just you and me and no other people involved. I love you babe but my trust for you is not made complete anymore. I have given you my full trust from the start but you didnt take care of it.
I need you, youre the only one I ever wanted in my life. I still hope and pray that you will still fulfill your dreams for us. Im sure you know how much you mean to me. I almost give up many times but everytime I think of you, I hold back alot. Babe im sorry for not complety trusting you I hope you understand, I am just so scared for our future. I wish you were here with me I feel so safe when we are in each other's arms. I will wait but I cannot promise you now forever. Now baby, it's not up to me anymore if you want me in your life but you will find a way to put me there. Ive given so many things for you and for this relationship, now I need you to do your part. I need you to help me fulfill our dreams together.
I deeply deeply love you, _ _ _
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Wish I Knew
Oz,
I am so...scared...insecure...worried. I guess they all fall into the same category, don't they??? I have been told for so many years that i am ugly..no good, no one would ever find me attractive...and told on a daily basis what exactly is wrong with me on that day. Then you came into my life. I never assume anyone finds me anything but comical. But comedy is my thing...if I give you something to laugh about, you won't look too deep into me. Most people just assume I am happy. Thats okay...I don't let too many people all the way in...if they don't think there is anything wrong, then they don't go too far beyond the "hey hows it going" phase of congeniality. But...you kept coming around...and making me laugh. Then...being with you...I mean..really being with you...took me to a place I didn't ever think I would get to go, and I let myself fall for you. But...and here is where that first sentence comes in to play...I don't know what I have that is special that would make you want to stay...and..I don't know how to get over that. I wish I knew.
My Love
My sweetest one, now I call on you
I have never loved as I love you.
If you cannot give your heart to me
I will still - and ever - love thee.
My mind is weary, as the sunflower
I am thinking about you every hour,
not a second goes by; I know not why
unless I am dancing with you.
O, answer me and say you care!
my darling one, thou art so fair,
with radiant beauty that captures
my heart and grace from within
that lights every star.
I long to hear you singing again
pretty words of love in gentle refrain,
just a a word from you, on paper of blue,
will tell me if the greatest love is true.
Signed by He who loves thee.
First And Only
Hey love,
I miss you so immensely right now, especially since you've decided to be distant with me. Isn't the physical separation enough? I know you think you are hardly ever on my mind but that couldn't be further from the truth. You're always occupying some space in there- I see and experience things I wish I could share with you, things that remind me of you, that make me feel warm and loved or very lonely knowing you aren't here.
So I hope you come around soon. Until then, I'll give you space and be content just to have you fill that little bit of my mind. And maybe worry just a little (you know I can't help it) about how you're doing. But you are stronger than you let yourself believe and I'm sure you'll get over this fine without me. Otherwise, you know I'm here.
I've met plenty of others lately that I know could spark something with, but they all lacked something essential; you always looked at me with such complete devotion, and I knew you would do anything to keep me in your life. Everything else is there with these guys except that. I don't know if you ever saw it- whether my eyes held as much to read as yours- but that's how I felt (still feel) about you. You have such a complete hold on my heart. I would tell you so, but it's never going to make a difference if you can't see yourself the way I see you. You can't depend on me to feel okay about yourself. That is why I had to put up the walls that I did, and even though it's tough I still feel I'm doing the right thing. But that doesn't make me miss you any less.
You made me feel in control and yet want to give in, reminded me what a gorgeous and fully alive being I am. I wish I had your arms around me, your breath on my neck and my skin against the warmth of yours. I wish your fingers were playing gently with my hair, soothing me, and you were looking at me in that way that used to make me feel so at peace. But for now, just getting to hear your voice again would be a treat. What do you say?
Friday, July 17, 2009
How Dare You?
Itruly think that I have never hated anyone as much as I hate you. Your treatment of me, plus the repercussions of your actions that I have to bear the brunt of, is actually making me ill.
You have never treated anyone in your life with respect, and I truly hate you for what you are putting me through.
You make me feel powerless, in all situations, and I long for the day that I can pull the rug from under your feet, and totally get my own back, and regain some control. You are affecting every part of my life, and I refuse to let that continue.
You are not some big, untouchable being that I need to fear or obey - you are little more than the dirt on the ground. And I whole heartedly hope that one day, your whole world will come crashing down around you. How dare you try to limit me, and label me, and put me in that box? How dare you make your disdain (entirely undeserved) for me so obvious?
How dare you, every single day, affect me and control me? Well, no more. I am taking control again, and you are not going to affect me anymore.
You have just lost the one thing that kept your facade intact - and your business afloat. You made a huge mistake the day you decided to disrespect me.
No Matter What
Hey Maya,
No matter what happened with us and what may happen with us in the future, I still and always will love you. No matter how much I got on your nerves, made you cry, made you happy. You will always be in my heart. If you ever need someone to talk to im here. You mean everything to me and you always will, even though we never did anything and stuff [you know what im talking about] I feel like we did. We may not ever see each other in the future but just still remember me cause I will always remember you. We may not have ever trusted each other either but no matter what we got through. You are and always will be my BABY, BOO, GIRL, WIFEY, THE WORLD TO ME, AND MY MA.
Love, Secret Admirer
Just A Worthless Ghost
I sit there invisible. Why doesn't anyone see me? Its as if I am a ghost. If they really wanted to walk my way, they'd go right through me. I have nothing. No happiness, no excitement, no feelngs. If I did have any feelings at all, even for just a bit, then pain; sadness would be the only thing I can feel. I hate it, just so much.
I want friends, someone to help me, guide me. I need someone to make my fake smile go away, my mask. Tears, blood, screams are all that remain on the other side. They can't see it, though, maybe because I'm invisible?
I mean, I used to have so much tears in my eyes, scars noticable on my skin. But so what? No one cared. They noticed. But didn't do anything about it. They didn't... CARE.
I wish one day someone will save me from this loneliness.
Before I do it myself.
Why?
You where all i could think about for a long time and when you left it crushed my heart.... What would I ever do with out you........
Sometimes i feel like i just can go on... Just a about a weak or 2 ago i found out you never loved me like you said you did. Why did you lie to me? I loved you to death and I feel like I cant take it anymore. U BROKE MY HEART! and I wonder WHY do I still LOVE you after ALL you did. My heart is left in 2 while you go and fall over some other girl. School gets harder, with out you. Sometimes i'll just grab a pice of papper and right down a song that is in my mind they are all about you. One song has you written all over it. Its called Losing Grip. Well thats all i guss... oh yea i just wanted to say one more time..... I LOVE YOU!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
You Probably Would Never Know How I Truly Felt About You
To Tim (Nojjokka)
I know you will never see this letter. And you probably would never know how I truly felt about you. But boy, did I love you. I honestly did not expect my love for you to be so strong. I have to admit, I meant what I said in the beginning. I really did not want a real life relationship with you. And maybe I am getting what I have asked for. But I don't want that anymore. I fell so deeply in love with you. I knew how old you were. I knew you were so much older than me. I knew it when we first became intimate. I watched as you deleted yourself from your myspace account, so you can spend some more time with me. I knew you had a reason to not tell me. You were worried I would not love a "old man" like you. Your words not mine. But knowing what you were hiding, it made my love for you that much stronger. I wanted to tell you what I knew, so that you can finally uncover the heart you were sheltering from me. I didn't want to push you, or tell a secret that you obviously was trying hard to hide. Now I am left wondering. Asking myself what would have been if I had told you. If I had told you what I knew. Would it have changed anything? Would you have loved me more or resented me for invading your privacy.
Here I am now, left behind. Ignored like I was one of the other girls you flirted with. I'm just another girl on your gallery that you can say you have successfully convinced to sleep with you. ANd here I am... loving you anyways. I love you so much. nothign else seemed to matter.
You are who I want. The real you. I didn't care about the money, the age, the distance. I just wanted you. I wanted to prove to everyone that your feeligns for me were not fun and games. You have broken my heart 4 times. You have said that you love me always and forever. forever and always. just the two of us. we can make it if we try.
I wish you would come back. Tell me you are ready this time. Tell me you love me, and you need me. That you don't go a day without thinking about me. But that is just how I see you. I think about you every day. Wondering if you met someone else. And if you did, I don't want to know. I don't think I can handle the brutal reality that the reason why you left me behind was because you met someone better. Because you told me I was better. I was perfect in your eyes. I was your Asian Princess. A dream come true. To good to be true. And though you were not my vision as prince charming in the beginning. You swept me off my feet and made me happier than I have ever been without you.
I wish you loved me to the extent that I loved you. Maybe you wouldn't have walked away....
I can't stop loving you because I don't want to forget you. I can't forget you. I don't want us to be just a memory. So while I may seem fine in the outside. Every night and every morning. Know that I still think about you and what could have been. IF you had taken the chance to love me back too. maybe we woudl haev both gotten our wishes and dreams fulfilled
Love Always,
Your Babydoll
I'm Still Asking Why?
You left me hanging with so many questions on my mind, but still I want you to know that I will always treasure those days that we are together, Its not that so long but, really I will never ever forget it! and you know till now I really dont know how it starts, where it starts, when it starts, why and how it ended...but whatever your reasons of leaving, I want you to know that I have no hard feelings against you coz I understand your reasons WHY! and it was also my mistakes to fall for you so quickly coz I forgot that we are only friends! Now I want you to know that I will always be here for you not as lovers but as friend and I will always keep on missing you! and Now I made myself a promised: never to fall quickly coz if I do, I'd only give myself a reason to cry again:)
I am just leaving you a wished of happiness throughout your life!!!
I'll Never Forget You
Dear **,"You're never going to see this letter. Hopefully you'll never care to ask for it neither. I want to let you know how I feel about you. I love you so much and it sucks because I'm never myself around you. I choose my words carefully. I doubt you know that. Although you don't know what you've put me through, I want you to know I don't care I just want you to talk to me. Yes, I liked you. As a matter of a fact, I'm afraid that those feelings never went away. I know we might never see each other again and I hate you're leaving our friendship on such bad terms but at least hug me and make it all better. I'm not satisfied and I doubt I'll ever be. I still wish we had something more.. I guess this is goodbye.
-**
P.S All those smudges and spots on the paper are my stupid tears for you.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
It Took Just One Night
It took just one night, for my life to change forever. You and I in the backseat of that car riding into the dawn. You gave me a kiss, I can still feel the curiosity in it. Coincedently we don't wear matching socks. Your touch was like fire and I wanted more.
It took just 5 days and we finally felt free. Exploring ourselves, reluctantly. Angry parents, broken curfews, nothing could stop me from seeing you. My knight in shining armor on your white horse waiting outside for me.
It took just 7 months for me to ruin it all. An impulse a demand. Leave me alone. You left my house in shock, the ring still in my hand. Calling me one hundred times while I cried myself to sleep.
And it took 11 months for you to do the same to me.
Now its been 3 years and I long for my love, the compassionate caring sensitive charming and romantic you. All I have now is the cold taunting insensitive you. But I still stand by your side, hoping you'll return.
Have A Beautiful Day
Lies Of The Claddagh Ring
I hear you say it,
And I want to believe it.
I do.
I think you want it to be there,
But then you spend every other night with him.
A breakfast appointment with him
Is your top priority.
It's not a matter of you having space,
you just want to be with him.
Friendship
Love
Loyalty.
I thought those words meant something to you,
But from the day you turned its direction,
You gave up on me.
We were so close to being whole.
And now any care that you had
Has gone out the window with
Lies and Deception.
You won't even lie to me.
You just gave up.
I guess sharing a life with you was just to much to ask.
You said you would have runaway with me,
Now you just run away to him every night.
I've been there,
His bed is to small,
You want me to believe you're watching a movie,
That you just fall asleep watching it and he sleeps on the floor.
Do you find more comfort in his arms?
Do you enjoy saying you love me?
And then giving me that loving hug,
Only to go and sleep with him.
So take your anger out on me,
Keep living in this lie.
I'll just sit here,
As you keep stabbing,
I asked you if you wanted to be with me,
You said we will get through this,
We have been through so much,
This will make us stronger.
My love will always be,
But these wounds have become too frequent,
And I know not how much more blood I can lose.
If you could only just care enough to talk to me.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
You Broke My Heart
Dear Husband
Do you have any idea how much you broke my heart the day you told me that you had been having an affair...
I remember you actually came to sit with me in the bathroom while I bathed and after you told me I had to sask you to leave - I just felt so ugly i could not bear you to see me - perhaps you would mentally compare me to your new lover?
I also remember a few nights later lying next to you in our bed in the dark - you were right next to me, breathing, sleeping, exuding a warmth that previously had always comforted me. You were right there but I had never felt so alone in my whole life.... I put out my hand just to touch, you feel you close to me, and just as I was about to touch your skin i pulled my hand back. For the first time since i met you i was not sure if I had the right to touch you..
It is strange - I never knew a heart could break without making a sound.....
Your wife...
I'm Sorry For What I've Done
Dear Family and Friends.
I'm sorry for what I've done. I know you'll never understand why i did it. I was doing so well. I was living each day after my fathers death, staying strong, looking after you all.
But it hurt me more than you'll ever know. I've been planning this for a long time. The only thing i regret is the sadness and anger i will leave you with.
I'm dead now, but i love you all, i dont blame any of you and none of you could have helped me with what i was going through.
Keep on living. Think of me once in a while, but do not mourn me. This is my decision. And it cannot be changed by what ifs.
I love you.
Teresa.
**** I never sent this, I never tried to kill myself, and i'm stronger because i fought against it. But i have several letter's just like this still sealed in their envelopes sitting in my cupboard. Reminding what i'm fighting for. and against.
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