Sunday, September 6, 2009

Apologies

Letters We Never SentI want to apologise to you all, especially my current love interest. I have loved you, but not in the way you would have wanted. To the first and second: I have let you both into my life deeply and completely, and uttered those three fatal words. If it is any comfort, at the time I believed it to be true. But I built you both to perfection in my mind, because you were the only two who showed any real interest in spending your lives with me. Then I realised what I thought you both were was a fabrication I created subconsciously, and everything fell apart. I had been loving lies, not you. When second, you realised what was going on, and found yourself amorous affection elsewhere, I panicked before we were even finished, and before I knew it I fell into the arms of another just as you had done, but for different reasons. The arms of my current man. Surely he was the most prolific of you all, being such a change from the last I deified him, I "fell for him" almost instantly. But it is not so. I've known for some months now that I have been pretending all your faults are not there. I have suggested, not insisted that you change your ways, since they seem to cause you so much misery. But I can't expect you to change just for me if you are not entirely willing. Besides, it would be for purely selfish reasons, because here's the kicker; I made myself believe I was in love so that I wouldn't have to spend my days alone. I'm so afraid of being alone, having no one to hold me and kiss me and be ever so gentle, to keep me safe and warm at night, to satisfy my transient lewd desires, to be my companion. Because I feel I will never be able to find anyone else to love me after each of you. I've convinced myself for so many years that my feelings were genuine, but they were only genuine towards ideals that were not any of you. I can't apologise enough for making you fall in love with someone who is probably incapable of reciprocating the feeling. It's alright though, because I will probably end up alone anyway. To the man who loves me in this moment goes my deepest apology. I haven't yet the strength to cut you free, because now I know I will hurt you, and that will hurt me. I am selfish; if I truly cared I would have told you by now I don't love you, and let you find someone who can. But I need to know I have someone for now. Maybe it will be easier to let you down gently now we no longer live close enough to each other to see each other every day. The feeble part of me prays you will lose interest before I have to tell you this.

C.


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