Sunday, September 6, 2009

Apologies

Letters We Never SentI want to apologise to you all, especially my current love interest. I have loved you, but not in the way you would have wanted. To the first and second: I have let you both into my life deeply and completely, and uttered those three fatal words. If it is any comfort, at the time I believed it to be true. But I built you both to perfection in my mind, because you were the only two who showed any real interest in spending your lives with me. Then I realised what I thought you both were was a fabrication I created subconsciously, and everything fell apart. I had been loving lies, not you. When second, you realised what was going on, and found yourself amorous affection elsewhere, I panicked before we were even finished, and before I knew it I fell into the arms of another just as you had done, but for different reasons. The arms of my current man. Surely he was the most prolific of you all, being such a change from the last I deified him, I "fell for him" almost instantly. But it is not so. I've known for some months now that I have been pretending all your faults are not there. I have suggested, not insisted that you change your ways, since they seem to cause you so much misery. But I can't expect you to change just for me if you are not entirely willing. Besides, it would be for purely selfish reasons, because here's the kicker; I made myself believe I was in love so that I wouldn't have to spend my days alone. I'm so afraid of being alone, having no one to hold me and kiss me and be ever so gentle, to keep me safe and warm at night, to satisfy my transient lewd desires, to be my companion. Because I feel I will never be able to find anyone else to love me after each of you. I've convinced myself for so many years that my feelings were genuine, but they were only genuine towards ideals that were not any of you. I can't apologise enough for making you fall in love with someone who is probably incapable of reciprocating the feeling. It's alright though, because I will probably end up alone anyway. To the man who loves me in this moment goes my deepest apology. I haven't yet the strength to cut you free, because now I know I will hurt you, and that will hurt me. I am selfish; if I truly cared I would have told you by now I don't love you, and let you find someone who can. But I need to know I have someone for now. Maybe it will be easier to let you down gently now we no longer live close enough to each other to see each other every day. The feeble part of me prays you will lose interest before I have to tell you this.

C.


Saturday, September 5, 2009

Afraid

Letters We Never SentI'm afraid I'm never going to love anyone the way that I loved you.

I'm afraid that I gave my whole heart to you, and am never getting it back.

I'm afraid to let anyone else in, that's why I'm still not dating anyone else.

I'm afraid to hurt someone else the way I hurt you.

I'm afraid to get hurt again the way you hurt me.

I'm afraid of being alone, but I'm even more afraid of being in another relationship.

I want to be in love again, but I'm too afraid.




Tuesday, September 1, 2009

On Waking Up

Letters We Never SentI have always gotten what I want but you changed all of that. Today, I want you. Only you. More than ever. But I can't have you.

You were there standing at the sidelines for too long, watching me live my life. But I was asleep. Now that I am awake, you have moved on.

It rips me to pieces. I cannot breathe. Why was I so stupid? Why did I not see you?

Although I am with her, I think about you; I make live to you; I dream about you.

I am a coward. I do not deserve you. I never thought I would love and not have that feeling reciprocated. But here I am - hopelessly, helplessly in love with you.

But you are not there.



Sunday, August 16, 2009

If You Would Understand

"T"

Letters We Never SentI have no idea why i'm in love with you. When ever i'm around you all of my worries go away.

We started out as friends in Elementry school, by the time we got to Jr. High, i was in love with you. i stood up for you when everyone picked on you.

when you went to a different school the following year i was... shattered. i felt so alone. i tried loving some one else, but when you found out that i was goning out with him you told me to break up with him. because i trust you, i did. i felt alone all over agian. the year after i found another guy, but i still tought about you. alot.

when i saw the girls that you were going out with, i lost all the curage that i had built up to ask you out. how skinny they were, how they dressed . it all said to me that i'm nowhere near what you want in a girl friend.

i tried to forget you. but everything reminds me of you. we're both in the same High school this year. i'm scared that if i look you in the eye i will fall in love with you all over agian. i don't wan't to be broken again. i'm so sorry i'm an embarassment to you. i love you for who you are! i would send you this letter, but i know you would just throw it in the trash without reading it. i know i can't make you fall in love with me, but i wish you would understand how i feel. part of my heart will always belong to you.

Love

"K"


Sunday, August 9, 2009

How Much I Love You

Letters We Never SentI always wanted to tell you how much I love you,but never got the chance to so I just wanted you to know that I love you with all my heart and i hope you feel the same about me.


LOVE
THE ONLY ONE THAT TRULY LOVED YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE


Tuesday, August 4, 2009

My Heart Is Broken

Letters We Never SentMy heart is broken. That is such a cliche to say that but it is. I have never loved anyone like I love you.

My heart is yearning for you, for some recognition, for just a glimpse that you still love me that i havn't ruined things forever, that we can get back what we had. Love me, Love me, Love me. If I wish it deeply enough will it come true again. You said for as long as I wanted you you would love me, you said you couldn't say it enough but in the space of an afternoon you lost it. So was it even love? Did you know me? Did you really know me until that day?

I keep thinking about your eyes, how they used to look at me, how I could hardly look you back at it was too much, your eyes were amazing. I think about how you came up and hugged me in the kitchen, you were so strong and I was so weak. How when I kissed you I felt complete.

Im so angry with you, for not being able to understand, for making me wait, for not seeming to care anymore. Today I couldnt stop crying. This feeling that I have lost you is too overwhelming, I want to run from it, hide from it but I cant.

When I wake for a second, everything is Ok, I still have you and then after that second I know the truth again, that I let you down, that I let myself down and it hurts too much. I cant stand it.

I wonder if you will ever read this and if you do that you will know that it is me, that what we had was amazing, that for a while it was real. I thought I had found my soulmate in you, a poetic soul I could relate to on every level but it was a dillusion. I thought I dreamt you in to my life, I wanted you so much before I met you and now I have lost you. Everything is empty without you, you bought light in to everything in my life and now its dark and i am lost.


Sunday, August 2, 2009

I Am So In Love With You

"D"

Letters We Never SentThings have changed with us but my feeling haven't I know I wasn't supposed to fall for you but I did I can't change my feeling because there real. When I see you walking on the street even though we say hi I am going crazy inside wanting to run up to you and kiss you & hug you I love the way you walk, the way your body is built omg turns me on the time we spent together was amazing, you felt so good. I always have a bit of hope that we can be together, we have been so honest with each other about many things including our past. I truly believe that if we ever become a couple it would be an amazing time for both of us. I truly meant it to you when I said I LOVE YOU.....

"R"


Friday, July 31, 2009

When I Meet Someone Special

Letters We Never SentWhen i meet someone new, someone special I am afraid to get close or open up. I recently met someone that seems like a really nice guy overall and I don't know how I should react to him. I don't want to get close to someone and then my past comes creeping up on me like every other time i tried letting go of it. I really like this guy so if nothing else I would love to remain his friend.


Still...

Letters We Never SentDear rachit,

i dnt kno wat to say to u whenvr i talk to u..we hace been thru many misunderstandings...Ist when u had a crush on me n i didnt..den those irritating chats..den we fell in luv wid each other..dan i had to break up wid u..n bla bla...i always told ya dat i nvr thought u as a frnd or even more dan dat

bt d truth is dat when mrinal told me abt u..i liked u a lot..may b it was a crush at Ist site..bt nvr told u abt dis..though nw m over u n stopped w8in fr u....BUT I NEVER FEEL LYK NT IN LUV WID U EVR...MAY B STILL W8IN FR U IN EVRY MOMENT


LUV U N MISS U LIKE HELL......MMMMUUUAAAHHH



I Hate My Life

Letters We Never SentDid you ever wanna just wake up in the hospital and hear the doctor say shes not gonna make it. i have i dont wanna make it its not worth living and it will never start. well i may soound emtional but u hav no idea what i hav gone through. my mom giving me up for adoption. not only for the fact she didnt want me but cause she could not afford me cause she spent all her money on drinking when i was inside of her. i was 18in and 2 1/2 pounds and i stand at 4'9 and 73 pounds and now i hav alot of eating problem such as i cant gain weight and i hav to b really carfull casue i can lose weight in masses and not b able to gain in back. thank you mother.no worries she is dead now she died of overdosing on drinks.and this is her 5th year annerversry of death. now i live with a family that i get hit. and most of the time i will sleep outside on the lawn chairs and then if i get lucky i can sleep inside on a egg chair cussion on the ground in the guest room i dont have my own room. yea now you see what i do through. dont jugde or u will hav problems.


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

To K

Letters We Never SentKeith

I miss you.I know you knew something was between us and I know you felt I liked you. I knew you were married, but I couldn't help myself falling for you.

I miss you
I know I'll probably never see you again

Love
BB


Hi Mohammed

Letters We Never SentI am sorry for all what i am,cause all "what i am " is bieng a good friend...

you'll never know that feeling you get when you love someone purely...as a friend..

you'll never know what does it mean to have me in your life..

you'll never be good enough for me,cause you're a complete lie..

if you want to walk away..don't take alook back!

if you want to be smart ass see who you're talking to..


You Will Never Know

Letters We Never SentDear Adam,

I had told you before i had a letter you would never see well here it is. its been a few months since we are threw, all i can think about is when you told me about wendy. Your best friend from high school, you one and only true love. It hurts to know you dont appreciate what we had. all the memories and gifts we shared. all teh friends we made disapeared into nothing. All i have left is tears, sadness and emptiness... but threw all of this you made me realise one thing... life goes on, and thats exactly what im doing but only its without you.


Monday, July 27, 2009

We Met For A Reason

Letters We Never SentAs crazy as it sounds we came into each others life for a reason, I love that I met you and we had the experience of each other. You always left me on cloud nine being with you was so amazing for me because this came so unexspectedly and I fell for you. We both have our things to deal with but I felt so good with you that us meeting was meant to be for one reason or another evenif not to be together to learn from each other. I wish that you would give us a try one day. Right know being so vulnerable with my emotions I still think of you everyday and miss being with you.


To My Exes R & J

Letters We Never SentIknow what I did was very hurtfull to you being engaged not once but twice and both times It failed, I can't put all the blame on both relationships it was part me also I was so distracted with the things going on in my personnel life that I never gave neither relationship a second chance and I know I hurt each of you deeply I never meant to do that i'm not that evil I need to work on my self also. Now that you are both married I wish you the best and forgive me for the pain I left you with it wasn't intentional. Each relationship I was dealing with something that took alot of my attention and I hated the pettiness when my life had bigger issues infront of me.

Sorry for the pain I caused..


Do It All Over Again

Letters We Never SentI wish we could go back in time and do it all over again.

I wish that you never felt like you couldn't tell me about your past. What did I ever do you to you to make you feel that way? I loved you.

For a year and a half when you were gone in Alaska, all I did was dream of the day you would come back to me. I would cry on my way to work. I would cry while I was AT work. I would think of you when my "new boyfriend" was with me and wish it was you. After me and him made love......I would roll over on my side and wonder why you left. When you would email me, my heart would beat in my face.

Why did you stay gone so long. You didn't even look like yourself when you got back.....I hate myself for not being able to love you now.


Friday, July 24, 2009

A Face in a Crowd I Know

Letters We Never SentI know I am a small face in a crowd...
a crowd of people more significant with issues far outweighing mine...
thing is - i was assaulted today...

i am bruised, scratched and my earring was ripped out of my ear
my body aches, i have been sick all day...my heart aches...my soul aches more

There is no one I can tell, no where to go, i am terrified by my own reality
I am trapped...trapped by my own life choices

I expressed myself, my frustrations and need for support in my life. I chose the wrong person to share this with...i chose my partner

I was assaulted by my partner today... I would like to leave this life, find some peace... calm...a safe space

I don't know if there is a safe space in this life for me... This has not been my personal truth


Hope

Letters We Never SentI'm scared from so many things,,

i have the hope 2 spend the life with the most precious person..



Letter To You

Letters We Never SentIts not fair to say that you weren't thinking. you were thinking a lot about things that didn't really matter. now, thanks to you, im messed up, and i dont think that you really understand how much. its just this deep, sickening feeling that feels like everything has been sucked out. you know what? its probably useless trying to explain this to you; its not like you listen anyway. if i could, i would tell you about how lost, unsafe, and depressed i feel all the time, like something is missing. and guess what? you're the one that took it.

God, it was all there! everything that i had ever wanted was there, and you made it go away. if there's one thing that i wish i could do like you, its the ability to just put things to an end. if i could do what you did, i would put an end to all of this. but you know what? i can't. you taught me that. actually, you continue to reinforce it every day. i suppose that im a good learner by now.


Thursday, July 23, 2009

Chilling...

Letters We Never SentIm sorry

i never meant to kill you


Hurting

Letters We Never SentDear Steven,

I wish we could be friends again. You've hurt me and you won't stop lying about me --but I wish things could go back to the way it was before our first date when we had fun together and I could confide in you. I don't know why you are continuing to hurt me, but I feel so pathetic and rubbish because you want to, even though I was only ever nice to you. There must be something wrong with me then.. :(

Remember you said you're always there for me if I need to talk to you? Well I wanna tell you about the time I lost a good friend...I hope you can help me out...


I'm No More

Letters We Never SentRachit...

though you no longer love me,but i still do...everytime i think of you,a scene of our kisses and hugs come in front of my eyes...though you will never know about this letter but..what matters to me is the care you show,forget about the feeling that you will never know


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

I Forgave But I Cant Forget

Letters We Never SentDear Sweetheart,

It's so funny because we are both online now, I couldve have just send this to you but nevermind, I know you - you will not read this anyway or if you read, you will not reply not a single word.

First I thank God for bringing you into my life, I could never ask for more for I have seen what Im looking for in you. We were so full of love and passion with each other til one day we had this terrible situation in our relationship. I have accepted you as who you are, I have loved you not only your strengths but also your weaknesses. I have love you not only your success but also your failures. I have loved you not just because we have dreams for our future but I hav loved your pasts as well.

I have been hurt many times in this relationship but look where I am now, I still keep on holding on and trying to believe that with God's help we will overcome this battle.

Yes, despite of what happened I have learned to forgive I am trying but I could not help myself to forget completely. You know that I am here for you because I love you although at times it seems like youre doing something else at my back. I try not to judge you or "accuse" you Im sorry, but can you blame me for that?

Sometimes Its so hard to believe you but because I know you love me and I love you too, I manage to ignore those negative thoughts.Somehow I want to give this relationship a chance. Its so painful to see and know that I cannot have you (for now), cause I know that you have so many things to take care of. Yes you know that Im willing to wait, and I know you know how much Ive proven that to you. I try not to discourage myself cause like you, I have also plans for us, that someday we will be together and live our lives together full of happiness, with our own kids and just taking care of each other.

You know my concern for a long time now, I have so many questions battling on my mind. Yes, what if were together in the future, can we still be happy just like we were before? You already know what Im trying to say, all I want in this relationship is just you and me and no other people involved. I love you babe but my trust for you is not made complete anymore. I have given you my full trust from the start but you didnt take care of it.

I need you, youre the only one I ever wanted in my life. I still hope and pray that you will still fulfill your dreams for us. Im sure you know how much you mean to me. I almost give up many times but everytime I think of you, I hold back alot. Babe im sorry for not complety trusting you I hope you understand, I am just so scared for our future. I wish you were here with me I feel so safe when we are in each other's arms. I will wait but I cannot promise you now forever. Now baby, it's not up to me anymore if you want me in your life but you will find a way to put me there. Ive given so many things for you and for this relationship, now I need you to do your part. I need you to help me.

I deeply deeply love you, _ _ _


Breaking Your Heart

Letters We Never SentDearest Kenneth,

Your tears are like acid to my soul, eating away at what little strength I’ve managed to muster up. For five hundred and forty five days I gave you my everything, my all. On day five hundred and forty six I let everything I worked for slip away, I let you go, the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life. My selfishness began to surface. I wanted more and I took it… from some one else.

I will never be able to love him like I loved you. The connection we shared was amazing; making love to you could not be described by any jumble of letters provided by the world’s largest dictionary. However, he gives me the world that you never could. My trust in him is greater than any trust I’ve ever had in you. Maybe over time I will learn to love him like I loved you, but right now you plague my mind, you consume my thoughts.

Your quivering voice sent chills down my spine when I slid the receiver to my face, I almost could feel your warmth. I wanted nothing more than to take you back when you began to beg. You begging, something I would have given anything to have before, now I pray for you to stop, its weakening my soul and tearing me apart.

It’s too little, it’s too late. His ring rests so gently on my finger now, something you could never afford or could have ever offered me. I reside in the home he provided me for me, a beautiful home, and one you could never have even imagined sharing with me. Inside my womb I carry a life, a life him and I created together. I couldn’t bare to tell you, I couldn’t bare to let you know that you failed as a father, you could never provide that life you so craved. I don’t want to tell you that you may never father a child; I don’t think you are capable of creating life.

Hurting you, I couldn’t fathom, even after all the many moments I cried for you. All the times you made empty promises to me. I know you are hurting, I am too. I know you miss me, I miss you too. I know you love me, I love you too.

When it comes to “us” I told you to never say never, but I’m sorry, it’s forever.


Oz

Letters We Never SentHi handsome,

I don't know what to do...I have fallen in love with you.