Letters We Never Sent: Messed Up & Angry

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Messed Up & Angry

Letters We Never Sent Mary,

I am writing this to clear out some of the feelings I have about our conversation yesterday. I wish you had taken this approach rather than dumping them on me. I realize that I can come on too strong sometimes, and in your case, with destructive consequences. You have made me think that I need to not try to help by giving advice. Most people don't want it.

Your complaint about my reservedness and lack of positive comments I also take to heart. I realize I need to make a conscious effort to praise those around me. I guess I take the attitude that when things are going well they are as they should be, and when they are not, then they need to be fixed. I would like to change this about myself.

I certainly liked you very much as a friend, and I was deeply wounded by your long silence and rejection. Frankly, I am put out by having this all dredged up again, as I had accepted the loss (without actually understanding it) and gotten over it. Now I feel like I have to go though it all again. I'm not sure why you chose this particular timing, but it definitely doesn't work for me, except to maximize the pain. Was that the point?

There's a concept. You have hurt me, too. I have the feeling that you are too self-absorbed to realize that other people have feelings. That's why, even if unburdening yourself has made you feel like you want to rekindle a friendship (and I'm not at all convinced that you do), I'm not interested. At all.

By the way, do you know that all the people who worked on your house complained about you to me? You could stand to take a good look at yourself. Oh, and good luck finding people who don't offend, annoy or tire you. It's way too easy to do. You also might have trouble finding people who can read your mind. Or who can predict that you would take your child to a school interview without first warning her that she was moving to a new city.

Yep, in the long run, I think you did me a favor by getting out of my life. I just feel sorry for the people who have no choice.

You're fucked up.