How Do You Do It?

My dearest Jefferson,

It has been 12 days since you left and still the pain is as new to me as that first day. I cry daily on the long stretch of road. You would stay up and keep me company every night. You didn't care that it was 2 a.m. for you. We laughed and we talked and we dreamed. Now, each time I drive that road, I cry. I try not to but I can not help myself. I listened to our song - Frank Sinatra's "It can Happen to you" over and over today. You sang that to me. Do you remember?

And tonight I heard my town's combined orchestra play Gustav Holst's The Planets. I sat in the audience, fortunately it was dark. No one could see the tears on my face. It was less than three months ago that we heard the Philadelphia Symphony Orchestra play it. What a Cinderella night that was. Five days of love and magic.

Like our love, it sparkled and seemed endless.

But then things went wrong.

I went from being a princess to being just me.

Not that there was anything wrong with me, but you spoiled me for so long. You loved me like no one ever had. You bathed me with attention and love. You sent me flowers constantly and showered me with gifts. I kept asking you to stop. I didn't want them. And now, it's all I have. But the diamonds, pearls, gold....mean nothing to me. I wear this two thousand dollar Tag Huer watch, timeless - you called it - like our love. I would give it all away if it meant I could have you back. I would give it away to hold you for a minute. But its not to be. I keep waiting and waiting. You have to love me, I tell myself. How can you stop? We were so in love. I keep waiting for the call. You will call, I tell myself. And each day hurts more. I know you. I knew you meant it when you said "bye ....." and hung up so angrily.

I'm sorry you got caught. But that was not my fault. I would never hurt you purposely. I love you. Always have. Always will. You love me too. I know you do. Did you not ask me to marry you? Why, baby? Why did this happen? I hurt so bad.

I've written you a hundred letters in my mind - never on paper because I know in my heart that you would not read it.

When you say goodbye, you will mean it, you said. And I know you have. But how do you do it? How do you stop caring so suddenly? I still have all the sweet voice mails from only last month saying you would love me forever. The pictures of our many trips are in my mind and in my desk.

Fourteen trips across the country to see each other in the past 12 months. That must have meant something. It did to me.

How do you do it, baby? How do you stop caring? Tell me. Please. I need to know.

Always, me.

Your sweet Mariah.

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