Thursday, May 29, 2008

Wish I Never Said Its Over

Letters We Never SentKaren,

Your one of my best friends,we've already dated.I wish I didn't believe what Sara told me. I Should have known she was jealous of us.

I'm so sorry that I dumped you just for what she said. I know it was a really long time ago, and I know you've moved on , but I want to get back together with you. I can't though because your new boyfriend is in my way. The way you talk about him all the time really hurts because I know that it was me who let you go.

And now I'm begging you to come back to me. I love you so much, But I just want you to be happy.I hate to admit it but every time I think about you or remember the times we made out or made love, I feel like some one is choking me to death.

I need you and I care about you more than you know.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Messed Up & Angry

Letters We Never SentMary,

I am writing this to clear out some of the feelings I have about our conversation yesterday. I wish you had taken this approach rather than dumping them on me. I realize that I can come on too strong sometimes, and in your case, with destructive consequences. You have made me think that I need to not try to help by giving advice. Most people don't want it.

Your complaint about my reservedness and lack of positive comments I also take to heart. I realize I need to make a conscious effort to praise those around me. I guess I take the attitude that when things are going well they are as they should be, and when they are not, then they need to be fixed. I would like to change this about myself.

I certainly liked you very much as a friend, and I was deeply wounded by your long silence and rejection. Frankly, I am put out by having this all dredged up again, as I had accepted the loss (without actually understanding it) and gotten over it. Now I feel like I have to go though it all again. I'm not sure why you chose this particular timing, but it definitely doesn't work for me, except to maximize the pain. Was that the point?

There's a concept. You have hurt me, too. I have the feeling that you are too self-absorbed to realize that other people have feelings. That's why, even if unburdening yourself has made you feel like you want to rekindle a friendship (and I'm not at all convinced that you do), I'm not interested. At all.

By the way, do you know that all the people who worked on your house complained about you to me? You could stand to take a good look at yourself. Oh, and good luck finding people who don't offend, annoy or tire you. It's way too easy to do. You also might have trouble finding people who can read your mind. Or who can predict that you would take your child to a school interview without first warning her that she was moving to a new city.

Yep, in the long run, I think you did me a favor by getting out of my life. I just feel sorry for the people who have no choice.

You're fucked up.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

Only A Few More Years

Letters We Never SentI always knew I was a little different, just didn´t realize how different until recent years, it all started after I finished highschool; my parents were eagerly asking what I wanted to do with my life, I really didn´t know so I answered with the only logical thing I could think of I said, " Well, I guess I have to see what job pays well and doesn´t expect great things from me."

Yeah right, c´mon now, I was 17 going on 18 I had to say something satisfying, but those words just never came out, I buried them deep inside and just shrugged my shoulders in indecision and smiled.

Next thing I knew I was heading for the city to continue on my studies, by the way did I mention I was born in "THE" place to live ?

Well, let me just tell you very quickly: IT WAS PARADISE , the best in the world, well at least to a kid like me why I remember just wonderful times, come to think of it, I haven´t found that joy ever again, but I´m getting ahead of things.

Any ways, I´m here in the city at last, my first feelings, it´s a cold, desolate uninviting world waiting to feed on your soul; now it wasn´t the first time i had been here i had been many times before as a kid ,but it was the first time I did not go back to the hometown I grew up in, I clearly remember after every trip to and from the city I would wake up in my bed and think it had been a dream and I´m just so glad to be back home.

I didn´t see that happening for a long time. If you haven´t lived in a city for a long time believe me it´ll it your insides slowly. At school I was horrified by what I saw and right there and then it started to happen more often, you see when I was young I had noticed that my eyesight wasn´t to good so I relied on my other senses especially ny sense of smell; I can actually trigger memories from smells,of course this isn´t anything new,but what if I told you I could smell your soul; it just suddenly happened that the smell from the rest of the people could actually send me in a state of sickening, so many lies and so few little beautiful qualities.

It was definite , these were not the people I grew with, where was that beautiful girl that had always fascinated me with her smile, where were those friends that had always been there to share a memory, where were those people that gave you a small caring pat on your back; GONE.

Things just got worse, later on ,the rest of my family had to move to the city because of certain iconveniences, by iconveniences I mean a hurricane , you do the math.

Well I gotta be more honest, it was a good thing in the end, I managed to get reunited with them.

So in regards to my sense of smell, I decided to distract it and put it to good use, I decided to become a cook.

Much happened during that time I was studying to become a cook and certainly much more from when I was a kid, I changed completely I am now a bitter 25 year old who simply works for the money and for no other joy at all, I have no girlfriend because I realize that in the end they would all expect to get married and have children which I don´t wish for because if they can´t have the joy of my childhood then they souldn´t be exposed to anything less, I am trapped in my job because I wish to financially sustain my parents,it is the least i can do after all the joy they gave me they deserve so much more, after they are gone I will then probably walk out of everybody´s lives and finally start slowly picking up the pieces of my past life, sit and watch the world slowly wither and die, which is already starting with all the overpopulation that is going on, the greed that corrodes any moral values left in people.

So in the end all that I can say is , what wonderful times my childhood encountered, never again will I experience them; plans are made to be broken and so are hopes and dreams I know mine have...... beyond repair.

I guess then that this LETTER I NEVER SENT would go to................. I honestly have no idea at all.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

I Miss You Like Crazy

Letters We Never SentHi... I don't know how to start this off because I have so many things to say to you. You will never know. I was young and foolish- Really young. You were my first kiss, I'll never forget.

I was so scared, but you, being older, were so calm, and I admired that. It was winter. I was cold and you offered me you jacket, eventhough you only had a t-shirt on. I took it. My heart melted.

I liked you a lot back then, now,10 years or more later, I realize, you were the one. I have thought about you everyday since I moved away. When I don't think about you, I go to bed and dream about you. I can't stop until I know you don't have any feelings for me. I don't want to scare you away because I enjoy it when you chat with me, if that's the most of you I can get. I want you to know how I feel, but how can I tell you?

I love you. I really do. I want us to be together, but now I have ties out here I can't break, and I know you won't come here for me. I need you... I'm so sad without you.

I had my chance, I know. I was so scared that because you were older, you would break up with me. Or you didn't like me because I wasn't pretty or we didn't see enough of eachother. I was so scared to become so addicted to you that my heart would get broken, when all along, you had no intentions of breaking up with me.

I'm so sorry. Mark, I love you.... and I miss you like crazy.

How Do You Do It?

Letters We Never SentMy dearest Jefferson,

It has been 12 days since you left and still the pain is as new to me as that first day. I cry daily on the long stretch of road. You would stay up and keep me company every night. You didn't care that it was 2 a.m. for you. We laughed and we talked and we dreamed. Now, each time I drive that road, I cry. I try not to but I can not help myself. I listened to our song - Frank Sinatra's "It can Happen to you" over and over today. You sang that to me. Do you remember?

And tonight I heard my town's combined orchestra play Gustav Holst's The Planets. I sat in the audience, fortunately it was dark. No one could see the tears on my face. It was less than three months ago that we heard the Philadelphia Symphony Orchestra play it. What a Cinderella night that was. Five days of love and magic.

Like our love, it sparkled and seemed endless.

But then things went wrong.

I went from being a princess to being just me.

Not that there was anything wrong with me, but you spoiled me for so long. You loved me like no one ever had. You bathed me with attention and love. You sent me flowers constantly and showered me with gifts. I kept asking you to stop. I didn't want them. And now, it's all I have. But the diamonds, pearls, gold....mean nothing to me. I wear this two thousand dollar Tag Huer watch, timeless - you called it - like our love. I would give it all away if it meant I could have you back. I would give it away to hold you for a minute. But its not to be. I keep waiting and waiting. You have to love me, I tell myself. How can you stop? We were so in love. I keep waiting for the call. You will call, I tell myself. And each day hurts more. I know you. I knew you meant it when you said "bye ....." and hung up so angrily.

I'm sorry you got caught. But that was not my fault. I would never hurt you purposely. I love you. Always have. Always will. You love me too. I know you do. Did you not ask me to marry you? Why, baby? Why did this happen? I hurt so bad.

I've written you a hundred letters in my mind - never on paper because I know in my heart that you would not read it.

When you say goodbye, you will mean it, you said. And I know you have. But how do you do it? How do you stop caring so suddenly? I still have all the sweet voice mails from only last month saying you would love me forever. The pictures of our many trips are in my mind and in my desk.

Fourteen trips across the country to see each other in the past 12 months. That must have meant something. It did to me.

How do you do it, baby? How do you stop caring? Tell me. Please. I need to know.

Always, me.

Your sweet Mariah.