I want to apologise to you all, especially my current love interest. I have loved you, but not in the way you would have wanted. To the first and second: I have let you both into my life deeply and completely, and uttered those three fatal words. If it is any comfort, at the time I believed it to be true. But I built you both to perfection in my mind, because you were the only two who showed any real interest in spending your lives with me. Then I realised what I thought you both were was a fabrication I created subconsciously, and everything fell apart. I had been loving lies, not you. When second, you realised what was going on, and found yourself amorous affection elsewhere, I panicked before we were even finished, and before I knew it I fell into the arms of another just as you had done, but for different reasons. The arms of my current man. Surely he was the most prolific of you all, being such a change from the last I deified him, I "fell for him" almost instantly. But it is not so. I've known for some months now that I have been pretending all your faults are not there. I have suggested, not insisted that you change your ways, since they seem to cause you so much misery. But I can't expect you to change just for me if you are not entirely willing. Besides, it would be for purely selfish reasons, because here's the kicker; I made myself believe I was in love so that I wouldn't have to spend my days alone. I'm so afraid of being alone, having no one to hold me and kiss me and be ever so gentle, to keep me safe and warm at night, to satisfy my transient lewd desires, to be my companion. Because I feel I will never be able to find anyone else to love me after each of you. I've convinced myself for so many years that my feelings were genuine, but they were only genuine towards ideals that were not any of you. I can't apologise enough for making you fall in love with someone who is probably incapable of reciprocating the feeling. It's alright though, because I will probably end up alone anyway. To the man who loves me in this moment goes my deepest apology. I haven't yet the strength to cut you free, because now I know I will hurt you, and that will hurt me. I am selfish; if I truly cared I would have told you by now I don't love you, and let you find someone who can. But I need to know I have someone for now. Maybe it will be easier to let you down gently now we no longer live close enough to each other to see each other every day. The feeble part of me prays you will lose interest before I have to tell you this.
C.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
Apologies
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Afraid
I'm afraid I'm never going to love anyone the way that I loved you.
I'm afraid that I gave my whole heart to you, and am never getting it back.
I'm afraid to let anyone else in, that's why I'm still not dating anyone else.
I'm afraid to hurt someone else the way I hurt you.
I'm afraid to get hurt again the way you hurt me.
I'm afraid of being alone, but I'm even more afraid of being in another relationship.
I want to be in love again, but I'm too afraid.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
On Waking Up
I have always gotten what I want but you changed all of that. Today, I want you. Only you. More than ever. But I can't have you.
You were there standing at the sidelines for too long, watching me live my life. But I was asleep. Now that I am awake, you have moved on.
It rips me to pieces. I cannot breathe. Why was I so stupid? Why did I not see you?
Although I am with her, I think about you; I make live to you; I dream about you.
I am a coward. I do not deserve you. I never thought I would love and not have that feeling reciprocated. But here I am - hopelessly, helplessly in love with you.
But you are not there.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
If You Would Understand
"T"
I have no idea why i'm in love with you. When ever i'm around you all of my worries go away.
We started out as friends in Elementry school, by the time we got to Jr. High, i was in love with you. i stood up for you when everyone picked on you.
when you went to a different school the following year i was... shattered. i felt so alone. i tried loving some one else, but when you found out that i was goning out with him you told me to break up with him. because i trust you, i did. i felt alone all over agian. the year after i found another guy, but i still tought about you. alot.
when i saw the girls that you were going out with, i lost all the curage that i had built up to ask you out. how skinny they were, how they dressed . it all said to me that i'm nowhere near what you want in a girl friend.
i tried to forget you. but everything reminds me of you. we're both in the same High school this year. i'm scared that if i look you in the eye i will fall in love with you all over agian. i don't wan't to be broken again. i'm so sorry i'm an embarassment to you. i love you for who you are! i would send you this letter, but i know you would just throw it in the trash without reading it. i know i can't make you fall in love with me, but i wish you would understand how i feel. part of my heart will always belong to you.
Love
"K"
Sunday, August 9, 2009
How Much I Love You
I always wanted to tell you how much I love you,but never got the chance to so I just wanted you to know that I love you with all my heart and i hope you feel the same about me.
LOVE
THE ONLY ONE THAT TRULY LOVED YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
My Heart Is Broken
My heart is broken. That is such a cliche to say that but it is. I have never loved anyone like I love you.
My heart is yearning for you, for some recognition, for just a glimpse that you still love me that i havn't ruined things forever, that we can get back what we had. Love me, Love me, Love me. If I wish it deeply enough will it come true again. You said for as long as I wanted you you would love me, you said you couldn't say it enough but in the space of an afternoon you lost it. So was it even love? Did you know me? Did you really know me until that day?
I keep thinking about your eyes, how they used to look at me, how I could hardly look you back at it was too much, your eyes were amazing. I think about how you came up and hugged me in the kitchen, you were so strong and I was so weak. How when I kissed you I felt complete.
Im so angry with you, for not being able to understand, for making me wait, for not seeming to care anymore. Today I couldnt stop crying. This feeling that I have lost you is too overwhelming, I want to run from it, hide from it but I cant.
When I wake for a second, everything is Ok, I still have you and then after that second I know the truth again, that I let you down, that I let myself down and it hurts too much. I cant stand it.
I wonder if you will ever read this and if you do that you will know that it is me, that what we had was amazing, that for a while it was real. I thought I had found my soulmate in you, a poetic soul I could relate to on every level but it was a dillusion. I thought I dreamt you in to my life, I wanted you so much before I met you and now I have lost you. Everything is empty without you, you bought light in to everything in my life and now its dark and i am lost.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
I Am So In Love With You
"D"
Things have changed with us but my feeling haven't I know I wasn't supposed to fall for you but I did I can't change my feeling because there real. When I see you walking on the street even though we say hi I am going crazy inside wanting to run up to you and kiss you & hug you I love the way you walk, the way your body is built omg turns me on the time we spent together was amazing, you felt so good. I always have a bit of hope that we can be together, we have been so honest with each other about many things including our past. I truly believe that if we ever become a couple it would be an amazing time for both of us. I truly meant it to you when I said I LOVE YOU.....
"R"
Friday, July 31, 2009
When I Meet Someone Special
When i meet someone new, someone special I am afraid to get close or open up. I recently met someone that seems like a really nice guy overall and I don't know how I should react to him. I don't want to get close to someone and then my past comes creeping up on me like every other time i tried letting go of it. I really like this guy so if nothing else I would love to remain his friend.
Still...
Dear rachit,
i dnt kno wat to say to u whenvr i talk to u..we hace been thru many misunderstandings...Ist when u had a crush on me n i didnt..den those irritating chats..den we fell in luv wid each other..dan i had to break up wid u..n bla bla...i always told ya dat i nvr thought u as a frnd or even more dan dat
bt d truth is dat when mrinal told me abt u..i liked u a lot..may b it was a crush at Ist site..bt nvr told u abt dis..though nw m over u n stopped w8in fr u....BUT I NEVER FEEL LYK NT IN LUV WID U EVR...MAY B STILL W8IN FR U IN EVRY MOMENT
LUV U N MISS U LIKE HELL......MMMMUUUAAAHHH
I Hate My Life
Did you ever wanna just wake up in the hospital and hear the doctor say shes not gonna make it. i have i dont wanna make it its not worth living and it will never start. well i may soound emtional but u hav no idea what i hav gone through. my mom giving me up for adoption. not only for the fact she didnt want me but cause she could not afford me cause she spent all her money on drinking when i was inside of her. i was 18in and 2 1/2 pounds and i stand at 4'9 and 73 pounds and now i hav alot of eating problem such as i cant gain weight and i hav to b really carfull casue i can lose weight in masses and not b able to gain in back. thank you mother.no worries she is dead now she died of overdosing on drinks.and this is her 5th year annerversry of death. now i live with a family that i get hit. and most of the time i will sleep outside on the lawn chairs and then if i get lucky i can sleep inside on a egg chair cussion on the ground in the guest room i dont have my own room. yea now you see what i do through. dont jugde or u will hav problems.
