Dear Sweetheart,
It's so funny because we are both online now, I couldve have just send this to you but nevermind, I know you - you will not read this anyway or if you read, you will not reply not a single word.
First I thank God for bringing you into my life, I could never ask for more for I have seen what Im looking for in you. We were so full of love and passion with each other til one day we had this terrible situation in our relationship. I have accepted you as who you are, I have loved you not only your strengths but also your weaknesses. I have love you not only your success but also your failures. I have loved you not just because we have dreams for our future but I hav loved your pasts as well.
I have been hurt many times in this relationship but look where I am now, I still keep on holding on and trying to believe that with God's help we will overcome this battle.
Yes, despite of what happened I have learned to forgive I am trying but I could not help myself to forget completely. You know that I am here for you because I love you although at times it seems like youre doing something else at my back. I try not to judge you or "accuse" you Im sorry, but can you blame me for that?
Sometimes Its so hard to believe you but because I know you love me and I love you too, I manage to ignore those negative thoughts.Somehow I want to give this relationship a chance. Its so painful to see and know that I cannot have you (for now), cause I know that you have so many things to take care of. Yes you know that Im willing to wait, and I know you know how much Ive proven that to you. I try not to discourage myself cause like you, I have also plans for us, that someday we will be together and live our lives together full of happiness, with our own kids and just taking care of each other.
You know my concern for a long time now, I have so many questions battling on my mind. Yes, what if were together in the future, can we still be happy just like we were before? You already know what Im trying to say, all I want in this relationship is just you and me and no other people involved. I love you babe but my trust for you is not made complete anymore. I have given you my full trust from the start but you didnt take care of it.
I need you, youre the only one I ever wanted in my life. I still hope and pray that you will still fulfill your dreams for us. Im sure you know how much you mean to me. I almost give up many times but everytime I think of you, I hold back alot. Babe im sorry for not complety trusting you I hope you understand, I am just so scared for our future. I wish you were here with me I feel so safe when we are in each other's arms. I will wait but I cannot promise you now forever. Now baby, it's not up to me anymore if you want me in your life but you will find a way to put me there. Ive given so many things for you and for this relationship, now I need you to do your part. I need you to help me fulfill our dreams together.
I deeply deeply love you, _ _ _
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Into My Life
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Wish I Knew
Oz,
I am so...scared...insecure...worried. I guess they all fall into the same category, don't they??? I have been told for so many years that i am ugly..no good, no one would ever find me attractive...and told on a daily basis what exactly is wrong with me on that day. Then you came into my life. I never assume anyone finds me anything but comical. But comedy is my thing...if I give you something to laugh about, you won't look too deep into me. Most people just assume I am happy. Thats okay...I don't let too many people all the way in...if they don't think there is anything wrong, then they don't go too far beyond the "hey hows it going" phase of congeniality. But...you kept coming around...and making me laugh. Then...being with you...I mean..really being with you...took me to a place I didn't ever think I would get to go, and I let myself fall for you. But...and here is where that first sentence comes in to play...I don't know what I have that is special that would make you want to stay...and..I don't know how to get over that. I wish I knew.
My Love
My sweetest one, now I call on you
I have never loved as I love you.
If you cannot give your heart to me
I will still - and ever - love thee.
My mind is weary, as the sunflower
I am thinking about you every hour,
not a second goes by; I know not why
unless I am dancing with you.
O, answer me and say you care!
my darling one, thou art so fair,
with radiant beauty that captures
my heart and grace from within
that lights every star.
I long to hear you singing again
pretty words of love in gentle refrain,
just a a word from you, on paper of blue,
will tell me if the greatest love is true.
Signed by He who loves thee.
First And Only
Hey love,
I miss you so immensely right now, especially since you've decided to be distant with me. Isn't the physical separation enough? I know you think you are hardly ever on my mind but that couldn't be further from the truth. You're always occupying some space in there- I see and experience things I wish I could share with you, things that remind me of you, that make me feel warm and loved or very lonely knowing you aren't here.
So I hope you come around soon. Until then, I'll give you space and be content just to have you fill that little bit of my mind. And maybe worry just a little (you know I can't help it) about how you're doing. But you are stronger than you let yourself believe and I'm sure you'll get over this fine without me. Otherwise, you know I'm here.
I've met plenty of others lately that I know could spark something with, but they all lacked something essential; you always looked at me with such complete devotion, and I knew you would do anything to keep me in your life. Everything else is there with these guys except that. I don't know if you ever saw it- whether my eyes held as much to read as yours- but that's how I felt (still feel) about you. You have such a complete hold on my heart. I would tell you so, but it's never going to make a difference if you can't see yourself the way I see you. You can't depend on me to feel okay about yourself. That is why I had to put up the walls that I did, and even though it's tough I still feel I'm doing the right thing. But that doesn't make me miss you any less.
You made me feel in control and yet want to give in, reminded me what a gorgeous and fully alive being I am. I wish I had your arms around me, your breath on my neck and my skin against the warmth of yours. I wish your fingers were playing gently with my hair, soothing me, and you were looking at me in that way that used to make me feel so at peace. But for now, just getting to hear your voice again would be a treat. What do you say?
Friday, July 17, 2009
How Dare You?
Itruly think that I have never hated anyone as much as I hate you. Your treatment of me, plus the repercussions of your actions that I have to bear the brunt of, is actually making me ill.
You have never treated anyone in your life with respect, and I truly hate you for what you are putting me through.
You make me feel powerless, in all situations, and I long for the day that I can pull the rug from under your feet, and totally get my own back, and regain some control. You are affecting every part of my life, and I refuse to let that continue.
You are not some big, untouchable being that I need to fear or obey - you are little more than the dirt on the ground. And I whole heartedly hope that one day, your whole world will come crashing down around you. How dare you try to limit me, and label me, and put me in that box? How dare you make your disdain (entirely undeserved) for me so obvious?
How dare you, every single day, affect me and control me? Well, no more. I am taking control again, and you are not going to affect me anymore.
You have just lost the one thing that kept your facade intact - and your business afloat. You made a huge mistake the day you decided to disrespect me.
No Matter What
Hey Maya,
No matter what happened with us and what may happen with us in the future, I still and always will love you. No matter how much I got on your nerves, made you cry, made you happy. You will always be in my heart. If you ever need someone to talk to im here. You mean everything to me and you always will, even though we never did anything and stuff [you know what im talking about] I feel like we did. We may not ever see each other in the future but just still remember me cause I will always remember you. We may not have ever trusted each other either but no matter what we got through. You are and always will be my BABY, BOO, GIRL, WIFEY, THE WORLD TO ME, AND MY MA.
Love, Secret Admirer
Just A Worthless Ghost
I sit there invisible. Why doesn't anyone see me? Its as if I am a ghost. If they really wanted to walk my way, they'd go right through me. I have nothing. No happiness, no excitement, no feelngs. If I did have any feelings at all, even for just a bit, then pain; sadness would be the only thing I can feel. I hate it, just so much.
I want friends, someone to help me, guide me. I need someone to make my fake smile go away, my mask. Tears, blood, screams are all that remain on the other side. They can't see it, though, maybe because I'm invisible?
I mean, I used to have so much tears in my eyes, scars noticable on my skin. But so what? No one cared. They noticed. But didn't do anything about it. They didn't... CARE.
I wish one day someone will save me from this loneliness.
Before I do it myself.
Why?
You where all i could think about for a long time and when you left it crushed my heart.... What would I ever do with out you........
Sometimes i feel like i just can go on... Just a about a weak or 2 ago i found out you never loved me like you said you did. Why did you lie to me? I loved you to death and I feel like I cant take it anymore. U BROKE MY HEART! and I wonder WHY do I still LOVE you after ALL you did. My heart is left in 2 while you go and fall over some other girl. School gets harder, with out you. Sometimes i'll just grab a pice of papper and right down a song that is in my mind they are all about you. One song has you written all over it. Its called Losing Grip. Well thats all i guss... oh yea i just wanted to say one more time..... I LOVE YOU!
Thursday, July 16, 2009
You Probably Would Never Know How I Truly Felt About You
To Tim (Nojjokka)
I know you will never see this letter. And you probably would never know how I truly felt about you. But boy, did I love you. I honestly did not expect my love for you to be so strong. I have to admit, I meant what I said in the beginning. I really did not want a real life relationship with you. And maybe I am getting what I have asked for. But I don't want that anymore. I fell so deeply in love with you. I knew how old you were. I knew you were so much older than me. I knew it when we first became intimate. I watched as you deleted yourself from your myspace account, so you can spend some more time with me. I knew you had a reason to not tell me. You were worried I would not love a "old man" like you. Your words not mine. But knowing what you were hiding, it made my love for you that much stronger. I wanted to tell you what I knew, so that you can finally uncover the heart you were sheltering from me. I didn't want to push you, or tell a secret that you obviously was trying hard to hide. Now I am left wondering. Asking myself what would have been if I had told you. If I had told you what I knew. Would it have changed anything? Would you have loved me more or resented me for invading your privacy.
Here I am now, left behind. Ignored like I was one of the other girls you flirted with. I'm just another girl on your gallery that you can say you have successfully convinced to sleep with you. ANd here I am... loving you anyways. I love you so much. nothign else seemed to matter.
You are who I want. The real you. I didn't care about the money, the age, the distance. I just wanted you. I wanted to prove to everyone that your feeligns for me were not fun and games. You have broken my heart 4 times. You have said that you love me always and forever. forever and always. just the two of us. we can make it if we try.
I wish you would come back. Tell me you are ready this time. Tell me you love me, and you need me. That you don't go a day without thinking about me. But that is just how I see you. I think about you every day. Wondering if you met someone else. And if you did, I don't want to know. I don't think I can handle the brutal reality that the reason why you left me behind was because you met someone better. Because you told me I was better. I was perfect in your eyes. I was your Asian Princess. A dream come true. To good to be true. And though you were not my vision as prince charming in the beginning. You swept me off my feet and made me happier than I have ever been without you.
I wish you loved me to the extent that I loved you. Maybe you wouldn't have walked away....
I can't stop loving you because I don't want to forget you. I can't forget you. I don't want us to be just a memory. So while I may seem fine in the outside. Every night and every morning. Know that I still think about you and what could have been. IF you had taken the chance to love me back too. maybe we woudl haev both gotten our wishes and dreams fulfilled
Love Always,
Your Babydoll
I'm Still Asking Why?
You left me hanging with so many questions on my mind, but still I want you to know that I will always treasure those days that we are together, Its not that so long but, really I will never ever forget it! and you know till now I really dont know how it starts, where it starts, when it starts, why and how it ended...but whatever your reasons of leaving, I want you to know that I have no hard feelings against you coz I understand your reasons WHY! and it was also my mistakes to fall for you so quickly coz I forgot that we are only friends! Now I want you to know that I will always be here for you not as lovers but as friend and I will always keep on missing you! and Now I made myself a promised: never to fall quickly coz if I do, I'd only give myself a reason to cry again:)
I am just leaving you a wished of happiness throughout your life!!!
